Christmas without you is just not the same. All the lights are hung, but don't shine as bright. The tree is decorated, but isn't as grand. The mistletoe is perched high above and yet you are not here to steal a kiss. The packages are wrapped and fill the space under the tree and yet the emptiness of your absence echoes in my heart. I have been cheery and bright because that is what I must do for our daughter and the rest of our children, yet it feels like I am somehow betraying you and our love when I laugh and get lost in the joy of the holiday. Despite the occasional festivities with various friends & family, these nights alone feel insurmountably lonely. Merry Christmas my darling, I am trying to be brave and face this day knowing it will come whether or not I am ready. I would welcome the ghost of Christmas Past transporting me to a happier time to remind me of the glory of Christmas night with you. Your Santa hat will sit empty Christmas morning and yet the day will be beautiful and magical and special and there will be happiness and joy and packages and wrapping paper will fill the air along with the laughter of our children - because that is what Christmas is all about. Why can't Santa visit me tonight and grant just one Christmas wish? Let me steal one last kiss, one last hug, one last caress of your face. Alas, Santa will not visit me this year, it's just Christmas without you...another of many firsts I must endure.
Ron was dressed as Santa for her school Christmas Party
How happy is she to have her daddy as Santa?
******************************************************************************** I did well today, all things considered. I think my friend of the day was actually the annoying head cold and chest congestion that kept me fuzzy headed and focused on breathing rather than my sadness missing my husband on the first Christmas without him.
I stopped at the cemetery on the way to my Mom's house with my 7 yr old daughter. We sat and talked to him, wishing him a Merry Christmas and placing an amaryllis flower at his grave marker. I didn't have the overwhelming waves of emotions I expected, just numb, mindless stares at the grave marker with his name. It was as if I was not truly comprehending that he was buried 6 feet beneath me, the body of the man I had loved, held and caressed. How strange to be so close to him - a mere step or two really, and yet all I could feel was the cold, moist earth soaking into my jeans as I kneeled at his gravesite. I am sure a little part of me let go today. I was able to allow myself to celebrate the day with our children rather than stay stuck in the magnitude of my loss.A quote from today: This is pertinent to myself and so many others this holiday season. "We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way. Match our celebration and loss with the same depth of gratitude."
It is with gratitude for the life and love of my husband that I can move forward each day, taking grander steps towards my new normal. I ask only "what next" with all hope and expectation for a positive and fulfilling response. I am gearing up for a major change in my life in the next couple weeks and one of the next steps I need to take is to begin cleaning out the clutter and excess in my life. This is not only a physical letting go but an emotional one as well. Ron isn't coming back. He made his decision a long time ago to have a shorter life and it is my task to live my remaining years (all 45+ of them!) with zest and vigor. Letting go of the "stuff" in my home will allow me to also metaphorically let go of the excess bulk in my physical self. The two are correlated for sure.
Soon, it will be time to ring in the New Year of 2013. I intend to do so with less clutter in my home and less clutter within me.
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