What Dreams May Come

                 

1/20/13

What Dreams May Come.  If you haven't seen the movie - you should.  This movie was one of our favorites as it was our story, our life, our journey as soulmates across thousands of years. If you have ever been in love or been lucky like me to find your soulmate, this movie is about you too.


I have had many people make comments to me that I am lucky to have found such a love and experienced the time I had with my soulmate - as if they themselves have not had the same opportunity.  I feel sad that so many people feel they are not with that one person the Universe, Cosmos or God intended for them.  This life is not a dress rehearsal and you don't get to go back and do it over.  Each day is a blessing and if you think the person you are with is not "the one true love" after all, then you have two choices.  1.  Get out of the relationship and move on.  2. Find your way back to the place of wondrous love and excitement and  joy you once knew with the person you are currently with.  Time has a way of softening or even dulling a relationship and making it seem unfulfilling and lackluster.  Looking out across the landscape of the world, so many others seem to be more exciting, sexy, fun, interesting -  you know, "The grass is greener" syndrome.  If you have been with one person for a long time, you have heard all the stories, know all the history and there isn't much left to discover. I get it, I felt that way sometimes with Ron and I would feel like AUGH! I'm bored!   I do not get to go back and fix those missed moments - and neither will you. Life and death go in one direction and there is no reverse.


I have spent the past 7 months in various stages of grief, often tears, despair and sadness prevailed. I also did a great job outrunning many of the feelings that came from losing someone I loved so deeply.  All the projects I started and chaos from the many disasters around the house were great distractions and kept me from doing my grief work.  Like a hamster on a running wheel, I had to fall off and get to a place of breakdown before I could experience the wonder of breakthrough.   Now, I find my days are less filled with the tears of sadness and more with the happy memories of our life together.  I speak about Ron and realize I almost speak as if he is in the other room, like he is still alive.  I feel like I can now speak of him and not always feel that desperate emptiness.  I wonder when I say things with a smile on my face or express my happiness that people must think "wow, she's over him".  Far from it - it's just that I don't want to live in sadness and I am purposing to be a happier person.  To be healthy, I need to live my life in the moment, live in today.  With that recognition of what I "need" to do, there is that part of me that still wants to search heaven and hell looking for Ron.  If you know the love for which I speak, you know you would do the same.  I feel him, know he is nearby reaching out for me and wrapping his arms around me like Patrick Swayze to Demi Moore in Ghost.  We had that kind of connection.

Thinking about dreams and dreamlike thoughts. The strangest experience happened the other day and it is still tipping me off balance.  I was looking at a few pictures of Ron and thinking about him when he was alive, how he felt, looked, how he smelled, tasted, moved, smiled and spoke.  I suddenly had a thought overtake me - it was that his being alive, being his wife and all that we had experienced together was the dream and these past 7 months of foggy dreamlike nightmare were really what I had lived all along.  It was a scary, unsettling feeling because it made me wonder if I was going to erase him from my memories like so many other dreams I have had in my lifetime.   What if my memories of Ron become so clouded and distant that I can't rekindle them again?  This thing called grief is such a fickle creature.  Dashing in and out of the shadows like Robin Hood, taking and giving as he sees fit then getting whacked on the back of the head with no warning at all, just when life feels at its most stable and secure.  It's a game of tag where nobody really wins, just a lot of yelling and running about until all the players are exhausted and collapse.  Grief likes to play games.

In the movie, the beautiful images of heaven were actually their dream home where the family is reunited once again after they have all transitioned from this earthly life.  They joyfully came together recognizing the love and devotion each shared for one another, celebrating being a family once again.   I see that possibility for Ron and I.  I imagine he is spending his time at the BBQ, fixing things and preparing our dream home, waiting for me to arrive.  Just as he did most days while he was alive, waiting at the front door, or on the front porch of our home with that big smile on his face.  Welcoming me home.

Until then, I will see you in my dreams my love!

Cleaning Up My Act

 

1/14/13

Today is 7 months since Ron died and I just got an email telling me that his memorial stone or grave marker is complete and has been placed.  It's now official, Ron is dead, buried and sealed into eternity with a bronze 16" X 24" slab reciting his vital information and the lasting words "A Man of Integrity Greatly Loved and Missed".  This is what he wanted on his gravestone - A MAN OF INTEGRITY.  He truly believed that was his greatest attribute.  Integrity is defined as "Doing the right thing, even when no one is looking".  That was Ron for sure with just about everything - but his health.

After Ron died, we had to clean out his car to get it ready to sell.  This was the task of his younger son, Steven.  I handed him a bag and he went off to do his deed.  Steven came back into the house saying "Are you ready to get pissed off??"  He had in his hands no less than 10 fast food bags and there were more in the car.  He had this look on his face like someone had slapped him.  It was difficult to watch as he tried to process what this meant.  Having the evidence that his father was still eating so much fast food and not attending to his dietary needs and restrictions was like being told his father committed suicide.  Now, nobody really thinks that by eating junk food they are going to drop dead one day, but for Ron along with major health problems and a family history that is exactly what happened.  It is not easy to look at the life of someone you love and see that they made so many poor choices, especially when so much of what Ron did was amazing, wonderful and giving.  He was what so many would call a happy, loving and generous man.  He made eveyone feel good around him and would laugh and joke and stump us with his library of facts and figures.  He was a wiz at math and could add a lengthy list of numbers in his head.  So many qualities that made him a man of great love and integrity, and now all that is lost forever.

I will visit my husband's grave and yell at him a bit (or a lot) and get really mad at him for making the choice to have a shorter life and be angry and stomp around a bit.  I will cry and scream for the loss of my love and partner.  I will caress his new grave marker and then I will pull myself together because I have work to do.  Today I begin the next phase of my Radical Shift and eliminate processed sugar, flour, gluten and dairy from my eating regimine.  I am cleaning up my act, my refrigerator and pantry.  Today starts a CLEAN FOOD ONLY regimine for me and my home.

For breakfast, I began with a clean shake of coconut water, almond milk, blueberries, raw cacao powder, 1/2 avocado, spinach/kale, a scoop of protein powder and a tsp of almond butter.  It was delicious and filling!  I am excited about this process of cleaning and cleansing my body.  I look forward to the benefits of not loading myself down with all the junk, wheat, sugar and other foods that do not provide me with energy and healthy satisfaction.

I am also working on shifting my 7 yr old daughter to a cleaner way of eating.  She LOVES her carbs!  Pasta, bread, ice cream, sweets oh my!  For lunch, I made her a clean sandwich of brown rice cake, almond butter a sprinkle of flax seeds and a little spread of almond/cacao butter.  She was THRILLED!  That along with her fat free yoghurt (She gets dairy as she is a child and not yet lactose intollerant), snow peas, hummus, berries, dried fruit, and her ice water.  To be honest, I usually pack her a healthy lunch, but now we are shifting to clean eating and trying to eliminate the wheat.

I am making a conscious choice to LIVE.  Not just live but live healthy.  I have a long ways to go but since I am declaring it here - I hope my new Village (that's YOU) will keep me accountable and keep me moving forward.  When I feel like sliding back to old ways, I will think to myself "How in the world am I going to explain THIS one on MOAMM?

I will close with my "I am " statement that I created years ago.  This is my power, my strength and my mantra.

I am a B-E-A UTIFUL, Strong, Intelligent, Courageous, Creative and Inspirational WOMAN!

Namaste

Tragedies and Triumphs

1/10/13

When I originally began this blog a couple years ago, it was meant to give me a place to speak about the contrasts in parenting a young child/toddler and teenage to adult children.  It is unique position to be in and yet one that is becoming increasingly common with blended families and new children being brought into those blended families.  I took down much of what I had written back then and when Ron died, I needed a place other than Facebook to pour out my thoughts, feelings and ramblings.  This blog remains a place to reflect on my unique parenting experience as I navigate the tragedies and triumphs that come my way.

Losing Ron was definitely a tragedy, no question.  It altered every plan and expectation I had for my life and my youngest daughter's life.  It created a ripple effect through the older 6 kids and they are still trying to figure out how to rationalize such a loss.  While Ron's death was somewhat expected as his health was always a topic of concern and conversation, it still shakes me to the core on a regular basis.  Despite all that has happened, I am in a relatively good place today, mainly because I am a strong women with the insane ability to tuck my tail between my legs, pull my coat a little tighter around my body and turn into the storm head first.  I just plow through and deal with all that comes my way.  I am discovering more of what has become my "new normal" and even coming up with plans for what might be next in my life.

Of course, just as I think I have things pulling together and in some semblance of order, once again my life is suddenly jolted off its foundation and I am forced to stop and acknowledge the icy winds, sleet, bolts of lightening and swirling storm that become a part of my world.

I don't want to get into the details of specifically who this is about, but let's just say that one of my 7 children is now dealing with a drug addiction issue and is in a court ordered 30 day inpatient rehab after an arrest.  I pray this was caught early and from the ashes of despair, the Phoenix will rise again in triumph.  This child has been down a darkening path for several years now and I knew I was going to receive one of two phone calls, either from the police or the morgue.  Thank goodness it was the police. 

I have been through this before, a child with addiction.  One of my older stepsons dealt with it as a teenager.  It was easy to deal with him because he was a minor.  We whisked him off lickety-split to a boarding school in Utah and 20 months later, he graduated the program and began his life of sobriety.  I am happy to say, 8 years later he is still clean and sober and a college graduate!  I know there can be happy endings and I will hope and expect for nothing less this time.  Thanks to the intense addict/enabler education our family received, I am equipped with a great toolbox of skills that will help me get through the next days, months and years.  I am not saying I have perfected the tools, just that I know I have them, how to use them and how to get to them when I need to. My challenge is to use those tools and not slip back into old ways.

There is a bit of a difference from when the older one presented with his drug addiction and this go round.  Not only is this child an adult, I am dealing with it alone and without my rock, Ron.  I must stay strong, not enable or rescue and keep my head clear and in my own "hoop" so I can be in support but not go down with her.  That's the thing about a kid who is drowning, it sounds simple and very appropriate to throw them a life preserver, but what if that isn't enough?  Do you jump in with them and try to pull them to shore or yell to them from the shore to "Tread water or DIE!!!"  You are not going to like the answer.

I can't and won't jump in to save her.  If I do, she will do everything she can to grab on to my life force and suck me dry until I sink to the bottom of the dark dark ocean.  I will love her, support her positive choices and hold her capable of handling her recovery on her own, or with the resources she will gain through the 12 Step NA program.  I can't do it for her.

I was lucky, I learned the skills of sitting back and being an observer of my children's choices and results early on.  I learned a very important word - "BUMMER" in response to their constant so-called emergencies.  When they would call from school in a panic "I forgot my homework at home can you bring it to me or I will fail!!!"  "Bummer".  "Mom!  Can you please drive me to school, I woke up late and now I'm going to be late and I will get detention again!"  "BUMMER - have a nice walk".  Natural consequences.  Better to learn that within the safety net living in a parent's home rather than out in the big bad world!  I once again find that I have a child who needs to re-learn these natural consequences and experience the "BUMMER" until she is ready to live her life on purpose.  I will sit on the sidelines as her biggest cheerleader, but if she trips and falls, I will not rush to her side to help her off the ground - I will be yelling "BUMMER!  Now get up, dust yourself off and let's GO!" She is strong.

Having a child arrested for drug possession and usage of drugs is definitely a tragedy and has the potential to destroy a family.  I am grateful our family meets such events with love, compassion and strong unwavering support.

I refuse to allow the tragedies in my life to define who I am and will turn these tragedies into my greatest triumphs.

A Balancing Act

December 28, 2012

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go! 


As I move through the weeks and months following Ron's death, I find that I have been experiencing my life as if I was a character in a play or TV show, watching myself perform in an ensemble cast or alone on a stage like a side show host.  I must constantly move back and forth between the two parts, one the more "normal" life-like persona and the other masked like the phantom, covering the emotion, sadness, anger and frustrations of being a widow and single mother.  I have exuded the essence of  the magical balancing act persona most of my life as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, nurse. It is through the act of balancing all the elements in my wacky, complicated life that strength is gained.  I am strong - Who boy am I strong.  I could take on the world with my strength, and I have.

Navigating through this year learning to be a widow and single mother, I find I am forging new ground on a daily basis.  I have a 7 year old daughter who has a set of needs, wants and emotions that must be dealt with in a calm, protective, nurturing manner.  She needs to be taught, guided, disciplined and given boundaries in order to find her place in the family and this world.  She doesn't have years and experience to back up what she is doing, she is new, green and still needy.  I need to balance her basic needs along with the unknown, new territory of a grieving child.  Caring for her is a full time job for two parents and now I must carry this responsibility alone.  I never intended to be a single parent again.  I loved parenting with Ron. We were a great team and when one was at capacity, the other took over.  I do find myself giving so much that by the end of the day, I don't even have the energy to open a bottle of wine and relax!

 A 7 year old child who is grieving does not go about it in a way one might imagine.  She has never broken down, crying and asking for her daddy.  Some may think this is terrible and she didn't love him, that is so far from the truth.  Often a child will not grieve at first because to them, the world is all about what is happening right now.  Her reality is that her daddy is dead, not coming back and she has me and her siblings left to make up her family.  She is able to find peace in that because she isn't mature enough or ready to deal with the enormity and permanence that death represents.  She fully understands death and that people who die do not come back, but beyond that she doesn't get all the life happenings that will forever be different without her daddy.  She will never again have her daddy at a Father/Daughter dance, her daddy will not be there when she graduates high school and college, she will never have her daddy walk her down the isle when she gets married, her daddy will not be there when she becomes a mommy.  These are the things we as adults think about and the profundity of death is hard enough for us, how could a child possibly take all that in without becoming catatonic?  So, for now she plays, laughs and acts out on occasion and all I can do is love her, comfort her and give her a safe environment so she can one day express her grief openly.  Even in my own grief, imagine navigating the needs of a grieving 7 yr old and the other 6 adult children who each have their own grief path.  They all need support, but they need it differently.  Balance - in theory a wonderful goal, in reality almost unattainable.

My life has been further complicated (enhanced??) recently by three of my adult children moving back home.  One lives here consistently, one sort of moved in, but rarely sleeps here and the third uses my house as a way-station and laundromat and occasionally falls asleep on my couch in between 48 hour shifts as an EMT. So the dilemma is that I must keep the boundaries of "No TV" during the day for the 7 yr old, when the 22 and 24 yr old plop down on the couch and turn on the tube any time they want!  I am teaching the 7 year old to clean up after herself, help with trash, animals and dishes and the older two leave clothes, shoes and dishes all over the place!  Ok, so this is starting to sound like a bitch session, not my intention.  The point is that I need to shift from being "mommy/teacher/mentor Mom" to "landlord/Mom" and back again several times a day.  I need the 7 year old to see that just because you are an adult, you don't get to bend the rules.  I also need the adult children to take special care to do the right things and be a good example so I don't have to nag or bitch all the time.  It's hilarious at times because there are sometimes arguments between the 7 and 22/24 yr olds about who did what, who didn't do what and the inevitable "MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMY!!!!!!"  Hollered from down the hall when they can't sort it out themselves.  It's amusing to see two individual who are siblings with the age difference of many parent/child relationships, fighting like siblings!  I am a Multigenerational Mom, something I see more and more these days.  I am parenting children in two different generations.  My oldest 6 are actually old enough to be my youngest child's parent.  I get to see all the good and bad of my previous parenting and apply it as needed to my youngest daughter.  But to be a good parent, I need to still be fair and not give or do too much to one or the other.  I need to balance my love, time and attention across the board.  The older ones don't require as much nurturing so it is easier, but they still want me to pay attention to the things going on in their lives.

This balancing act is not just about balancing what is happening outside of me, but finding the balance within.  I have always spent my life giving and doing for others.  It's just part of my nature, who I BE.  While balancing my home, children, job, business, friendships and other activities I am involved in, I rarely stop and give just to me.  I am really not sure what that is supposed to look like.  I know what other people do - get massages, read a book, sit in the sun and meditate, go to a movie, go to the gym, eat healthy.  I just don't know how to translate that into my own day to day living.

I blogged earlier about creating a Radical Shift. This is another step - Balance and Harmony.  Keeping true to my inner needs and setting aside what others have come to expect of me.  Each day doing one thing just for me. Loving me just as much as I love others, loved Ron, love my children.

A Radical Shift = bringing on Balance and Harmony.  It's time for me.