Nicole's New Year's Top 10 "Advice to Those Supporting the Grieving"

December 31, 2012

I am posting this not as a dig or put down to those who have tried to be helpful and supportive during the last 6 1/2 months, I am writing this as a service to those who find themselves in that awkward position of trying to comfort the grieving either immediately after a death or during special occasions and holidays and don't have a clue what to say.  I will start out with "What NOT to Say" and finish with the top 10 "What to say or do".  This is not information from a therapist, this is my belief based on my experience being in grief and also from information I have put together from others who have dealt with many types of grief, losing a parent, spouse, child or other loved one.

I hope this helps others to know what a grieving person needs.  Plan ahead so you are not caught off guard.  Speak from the heart, but don't patronize.  The grieving person does not want to feel better, replace, forget, move on or be told how to grieve. All of these things will happen on their own time an no amount of words will cause them to happen sooner.  Do not offer advice on how to grieve - it's personal and nobody will grieve the way you might want or expect.  They want you to love them, spend time with them, offer to lift a burden or two or just give a call and talk about the person who died.  Mostly they want to know that their loved one will be remembered.  Sometimes the grieving person will need to vent and tell you things about the person who died that drove them crazy or made them angry - that is normal and should be supported just as if the person were still alive.  A grieving person still has all the feelings towards their loved one after death they had before, it's just not as acceptable to discuss frustrations or anger.    Do not offer advice on how to be happy or become happy.  Grieving people can sometimes be happy, but it will be different and it will happen when they are ready. 

Nicole's 2012 Top 10 things NOT to say to the grieving...

10. "When God closes a door, he opens a window.  Something good will come from this. "
9.  "God never gives you something that you can't handle"
8.  "At least he/she went quickly and didn't suffer"
7. "At least he/she isn't in pain any longer"
6. "You will find love again/have another child"
5.  "Try not to think about it, think happy thoughts"
4.  "At least you will always have your memories, he/she will be in your heart forever."
3.  "Count the blessings in your life."
2.  "At least you were lucky to have someone to love"
1.  "It's time to move on and forward with your life, you have to let go at some point."

Now, I will say that there are times when you will need to give the grieving person a push or a shove to get them out of a long standing funk, say they have been in bed with the covers over their head for a month - then you get to be a little more frank.  But if we are having a bad day or difficulty dealing with a special day, a milestone after the death or a holiday or anniversary - well, give us a break.  We just need to be allowed to feel sad.  Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, special occasions and sometimes random events will bring out the sadness - that's just how it is going to be.

Nicole's 2012 Top 10 things you CAN say or do...

10.  Ask how we are doing and mean it.  Wait for the answer even if it takes a few minutes.
9.  Sit quietly, allowing the space of silence.  It is sometimes nice just to have someone there, holding our hand, without the chatter.
8.  Bring a meal weeks or months after the death and sit down and eat with us.  Most often, mealtime is where the loved one is missed the most and having company can be comforting.
7. Speak about the person who died.  It's ok, you are not going to cause us to fall apart just because you speak their name.  We WANT to hear your memories, stories and thoughts.  It makes us feel that our loved one's life had meaning to someone besides us.
6. Ask "What can I do?" and mean it.  Only ask if you are willing to actually put yourself out there and follow through.
5.  Acknowledge our feelings.  Don't fix, just affirm that you hear us.  Sometimes it's best to just repeat what you see expressed "I see you are feeling sad", "This is really rotten", "It really isn't fair you are going through this".
4. Take us out of our routine.  A night out with friends can be an amazing catalyst to happiness.
3.  Call or visit often. Even months or a year later! It can get lonely when people avoid us because we are the person whose spouse, child, parent, etc died.  Death isn't contagious - it's just a fact of life.  We might want to isolate ourselves, but don't let us - it isn't healthy for long periods. 
2.  Hug us, we really miss the physical contact most of all.  Hugging helps us connect to life outside our own.  It helps us feel loved.
1.  When all else fails, and you can't think of anything else to say - use this phrase.  "I am here and I don't know what to say, but I didn't want to say nothing."

Peace be with you and may the New Year bring about a positive change in our world.

Namaste,

Nicole