When I originally began this blog a couple years ago, it was meant to give me a place to speak about the contrasts in parenting a young child/toddler and teenage to adult children. It is unique position to be in and yet one that is becoming increasingly common with blended families and new children being brought into those blended families. I took down much of what I had written back then and when Ron died, I needed a place other than Facebook to pour out my thoughts, feelings and ramblings. This blog remains a place to reflect on my unique parenting experience as I navigate the tragedies and triumphs that come my way.
Losing Ron was definitely a tragedy, no question. It altered every plan and expectation I had for my life and my youngest daughter's life. It created a ripple effect through the older 6 kids and they are still trying to figure out how to rationalize such a loss. While Ron's death was somewhat expected as his health was always a topic of concern and conversation, it still shakes me to the core on a regular basis. Despite all that has happened, I am in a relatively good place today, mainly because I am a strong women with the insane ability to tuck my tail between my legs, pull my coat a little tighter around my body and turn into the storm head first. I just plow through and deal with all that comes my way. I am discovering more of what has become my "new normal" and even coming up with plans for what might be next in my life.
Of course, just as I think I have things pulling together and in some semblance of order, once again my life is suddenly jolted off its foundation and I am forced to stop and acknowledge the icy winds, sleet, bolts of lightening and swirling storm that become a part of my world.
I don't want to get into the details of specifically who this is about, but let's just say that one of my 7 children is now dealing with a drug addiction issue and is in a court ordered 30 day inpatient rehab after an arrest. I pray this was caught early and from the ashes of despair, the Phoenix will rise again in triumph. This child has been down a darkening path for several years now and I knew I was going to receive one of two phone calls, either from the police or the morgue. Thank goodness it was the police.
I have been through this before, a child with addiction. One of my older stepsons dealt with it as a teenager. It was easy to deal with him because he was a minor. We whisked him off lickety-split to a boarding school in Utah and 20 months later, he graduated the program and began his life of sobriety. I am happy to say, 8 years later he is still clean and sober and a college graduate! I know there can be happy endings and I will hope and expect for nothing less this time. Thanks to the intense addict/enabler education our family received, I am equipped with a great toolbox of skills that will help me get through the next days, months and years. I am not saying I have perfected the tools, just that I know I have them, how to use them and how to get to them when I need to. My challenge is to use those tools and not slip back into old ways.
There is a bit of a difference from when the older one presented with his drug addiction and this go round. Not only is this child an adult, I am dealing with it alone and without my rock, Ron. I must stay strong, not enable or rescue and keep my head clear and in my own "hoop" so I can be in support but not go down with her. That's the thing about a kid who is drowning, it sounds simple and very appropriate to throw them a life preserver, but what if that isn't enough? Do you jump in with them and try to pull them to shore or yell to them from the shore to "Tread water or DIE!!!" You are not going to like the answer.
I can't and won't jump in to save her. If I do, she will do everything she can to grab on to my life force and suck me dry until I sink to the bottom of the dark dark ocean. I will love her, support her positive choices and hold her capable of handling her recovery on her own, or with the resources she will gain through the 12 Step NA program. I can't do it for her.
I was lucky, I learned the skills of sitting back and being an observer of my children's choices and results early on. I learned a very important word - "BUMMER" in response to their constant so-called emergencies. When they would call from school in a panic "I forgot my homework at home can you bring it to me or I will fail!!!" "Bummer". "Mom! Can you please drive me to school, I woke up late and now I'm going to be late and I will get detention again!" "BUMMER - have a nice walk". Natural consequences. Better to learn that within the safety net living in a parent's home rather than out in the big bad world! I once again find that I have a child who needs to re-learn these natural consequences and experience the "BUMMER" until she is ready to live her life on purpose. I will sit on the sidelines as her biggest cheerleader, but if she trips and falls, I will not rush to her side to help her off the ground - I will be yelling "BUMMER! Now get up, dust yourself off and let's GO!" She is strong.
Having a child arrested for drug possession and usage of drugs is definitely a tragedy and has the potential to destroy a family. I am grateful our family meets such events with love, compassion and strong unwavering support.
I refuse to allow the tragedies in my life to define who I am and will turn these tragedies into my greatest triumphs.
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