Young Widow's Club

November 22, 2013

50 years ago today, our president John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated with his wife at his side.  Our country is taking the time to reflect on the man that was JFK his life, legacy and presidency.  For me, I am reminded that his death left behind a widow and fatherless children.  Despite their very public notoriety, they still went through the same private grief after his sudden horrific death.  I have thought about JFK's death many times in my life, even though I wasn't even alive when it happened.  Now, I am connected to it in a much different way.  Now, it is personal.

In the picture above, Jackie Kennedy stood with her two very young children at the funeral of her husband,  with all the vulnerability, raw emotion and fear I felt 17 months ago.  Her children went through the same grief journey any child would as such a tender age.  Just 6 and 3 yrs old, they stood as their father's casket was carried past to be placed in his forever grave in Arlington National Cemetery.   Jackie had to do as many other young widows must do, find a way to cope with her pain and grief while tending to the complex needs of her children after the loss of their father.  She wasn't special just because she was the First Lady.  She didn't get a "pass" to grieve differently or better she just grieved. To the world she became more human and endearing. Like me, she was forced to discover and reinvent herself and her transforming her life into a  "new normal".  She was initiated into the club no woman ever wants to belong to - The Young Widow's Club.

  A week ago, another dear friend lost her husband suddenly to cardiac arrest.  He had been ill for quite some time so it was expected he would die sooner rather than later.  I received her text at 1:30 am on the 14th.  "Paramedics just took Steve to the hosp. Cardiac Arrest..."  What she went through in the early morning hours gave her a deja vu feeling. She told me that was one of her first thoughts. You see, EXACTLY 17 months before, I had sent her the exact same text, with Ron's name instead.  At that time, HER husband was in the hospital and we didn't expect him to survive, but he did.  I was prepping HER for the inevitable result and it was me who found myself needing the support.

Early that morning, Joan had to do the unimaginable, render emergency aid and CPR to her husband and watch helplessly as the paramedics carried him off.  She didn't know at the time she would never see her husband alive again.   Her children ages 9 and twins age 4 will now be without a father.  She will do what I did, Jackie Kennedy did and many women who have lost husbands - raise her family the best she can without a male figure in the house.  She will reinvent herself and find her new normal.  She is strong, she will make it.

As our nation reflects on the life and death of a president and the end of Camelot, I will take time to remember the tears of his widow and children.  To honor and respect the obstacles they had to overcome to survive and thrive.   I will bow my head and pray for all the Young Widows, who amaze and inspire others with their strength, courage and spirit as we are joined together as sisters in an extraordinary yet reluctant club.

Boundaries

originally begun on Oct 23, 2013, completed on Nov 17, 2013

Boundaries

A line in the sand?

As I move into the 15th month as a widow, I am learning more about setting better boundaries for my day to day life.  I have learned how to say no when I feel overburdened and to keep myself from feeling too overwhelmed with over scheduling my days.  It's vital that I focus on the important things in life such as time with my daughter, keeping order and cleanliness in my home and spending quality time with my friends and family.  Heading up every committee or group just isn't a priority for me right now.  I'm enjoying these days since school is back in session moving quietly from one task to another with little urgency at all.  This past week, I even had a leisurely lunch with a dear friend and another lunch with the girls! Oh the joy!

I have learned to set boundaries on my grief as well.  I would love to allow my sadness to be every part of my waking moments because, in a sick twisted way, pain and anguish connect me to Ron and his life here on earth.  When I miss him and ache for him, I am in a weird way "with" him.  I can't allow that to control my days and nights, grief must make an appointment.  I give that part of my heart time, but just not as much time as when it was fresh and new.   I allow grief to well up, just not overflow.  I take a deep breath in and let it out and then I take the next step.  It's part of this stage I suppose, I need to keep moving forward.

Loss also creates single parents.  It is not what I bargained for, not what I expected.  I loved parenting with Ron and we were good at it.  We were a team.  With becoming a single parent, certain challenges begin to present themselves.  Setting boundaries can become key to surviving this transition, however, as a newly single parent, setting boundaries can be more difficult to initiate.  Often, I feel tired and depleted and the ability to set a firm line in the concrete is difficult.  Not just with my little one at home, but also with the older kids as well!  I remember being a single mom (even when I was married before, I truly was parenting alone most of the time) and having 4 kids who all wanted my attention and each had their own agenda.  I allowed myself to answer without thinking saying "no" without really looking at the situation.  I was TIRED, I didn't want to think, evaluate or decide.  Then, a little later, I would think about it and end up changing my mind.  That was such mistake as kids do catch on to a parent's indecisiveness.  They learned how to manipulate and shift decisions in their favor, just by how and when they made their request.  I thankfully learned and began to change how I communicated with my children over decisions and requests.

What I learned during my first go round parenting experience, I have applied to my youngest daughter.  I know now to set boundaries about when I will provide answers.  If I am on the phone and she asks for something - the answer is immediately NO.  If I am talking to another adult and she makes a request - again NO.  She is learning to wait, be patient and prioritize her wants and needs before running them past me.

Setting boundaries then and now.  I wonder if the way I go about setting boundaries today is based on my experience with kids or experience with life? I think maybe a nice combination of both, and I am grateful for the knowledge.

Living my Bliss, My Passion?

This is a post I wrote a while ago, just didn't finish it until now. 



September 20, 2013

It is interesting how so soon after taking the incredible leap with my child and eliminating the car safety seat, that I was faced with a similar opportunity in my own personal life.  I was at a birthday party this weekend and I had a conversation with two very powerful and spiritually connected women. Somehow, even though I don't know either of them very well and we have never had truly intimate conversations about spirituality or beliefs, our conversation honed in immediately to our chosen spirituality, goals and life purpose. That's how matters of the spirit work, placing beings together at exactly the right time to make things happen.  I was asked a point blank question "If you could do anything without fear or expectation and it would get you EXACTLY what you want in life - what would you do?".  Wow, no safety nets allowed!!  My response? Simply, "Write".  That was my immediate, uncensored thought. I do love writing and sharing and teaching.  Is this ALL I want to do?  No, but if I could choose one thing to fulfill me, nurture me and create peace it would be to write books that help people through major transitions in their lives.  Birth, child rearing and death. What would you do with your life if you could leap empty handed and blindfolded into the great unknown?  If you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?  No safety seats, no protection devices.  What I want so intensely is to live my passion and bliss, yet what I feel I MUST do is keep my focus on creating security.  How do I balance the two so I can end up with a fulfilled life?



Follow your Bliss and the Universe will open doors for you, where there were only walls.  

Sage advice, from a man I admire and respect.  Joseph Campbell.  A mythologist and cross cultural anthropologist who wrote on the subject of intention, purpose, and the story or mythology that connects each of us to another and connects ourselves to an inner force.  I find myself at an impasse and without that sense of balance, drive and passion for what tomorrow should be.  Maybe it is a form of depression that keeps me slightly off balance and disconnects me from that inner force or light. I also think trying to figure out what my next chapter is going to be while I am still actively grieving is tantamount to a Sysiphean task.  I can't possibly think clearly and with purpose when my core thoughts are rooted in sadness.


I will "noodle" on this concept for a while but it is the quote from Joseph Campbell that will be my guide-on, my sail, my weather vane.  Follow your Bliss.