Nicole's New Year's Top 10 "Advice to Those Supporting the Grieving"

December 31, 2012

I am posting this not as a dig or put down to those who have tried to be helpful and supportive during the last 6 1/2 months, I am writing this as a service to those who find themselves in that awkward position of trying to comfort the grieving either immediately after a death or during special occasions and holidays and don't have a clue what to say.  I will start out with "What NOT to Say" and finish with the top 10 "What to say or do".  This is not information from a therapist, this is my belief based on my experience being in grief and also from information I have put together from others who have dealt with many types of grief, losing a parent, spouse, child or other loved one.

I hope this helps others to know what a grieving person needs.  Plan ahead so you are not caught off guard.  Speak from the heart, but don't patronize.  The grieving person does not want to feel better, replace, forget, move on or be told how to grieve. All of these things will happen on their own time an no amount of words will cause them to happen sooner.  Do not offer advice on how to grieve - it's personal and nobody will grieve the way you might want or expect.  They want you to love them, spend time with them, offer to lift a burden or two or just give a call and talk about the person who died.  Mostly they want to know that their loved one will be remembered.  Sometimes the grieving person will need to vent and tell you things about the person who died that drove them crazy or made them angry - that is normal and should be supported just as if the person were still alive.  A grieving person still has all the feelings towards their loved one after death they had before, it's just not as acceptable to discuss frustrations or anger.    Do not offer advice on how to be happy or become happy.  Grieving people can sometimes be happy, but it will be different and it will happen when they are ready. 

Nicole's 2012 Top 10 things NOT to say to the grieving...

10. "When God closes a door, he opens a window.  Something good will come from this. "
9.  "God never gives you something that you can't handle"
8.  "At least he/she went quickly and didn't suffer"
7. "At least he/she isn't in pain any longer"
6. "You will find love again/have another child"
5.  "Try not to think about it, think happy thoughts"
4.  "At least you will always have your memories, he/she will be in your heart forever."
3.  "Count the blessings in your life."
2.  "At least you were lucky to have someone to love"
1.  "It's time to move on and forward with your life, you have to let go at some point."

Now, I will say that there are times when you will need to give the grieving person a push or a shove to get them out of a long standing funk, say they have been in bed with the covers over their head for a month - then you get to be a little more frank.  But if we are having a bad day or difficulty dealing with a special day, a milestone after the death or a holiday or anniversary - well, give us a break.  We just need to be allowed to feel sad.  Anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, special occasions and sometimes random events will bring out the sadness - that's just how it is going to be.

Nicole's 2012 Top 10 things you CAN say or do...

10.  Ask how we are doing and mean it.  Wait for the answer even if it takes a few minutes.
9.  Sit quietly, allowing the space of silence.  It is sometimes nice just to have someone there, holding our hand, without the chatter.
8.  Bring a meal weeks or months after the death and sit down and eat with us.  Most often, mealtime is where the loved one is missed the most and having company can be comforting.
7. Speak about the person who died.  It's ok, you are not going to cause us to fall apart just because you speak their name.  We WANT to hear your memories, stories and thoughts.  It makes us feel that our loved one's life had meaning to someone besides us.
6. Ask "What can I do?" and mean it.  Only ask if you are willing to actually put yourself out there and follow through.
5.  Acknowledge our feelings.  Don't fix, just affirm that you hear us.  Sometimes it's best to just repeat what you see expressed "I see you are feeling sad", "This is really rotten", "It really isn't fair you are going through this".
4. Take us out of our routine.  A night out with friends can be an amazing catalyst to happiness.
3.  Call or visit often. Even months or a year later! It can get lonely when people avoid us because we are the person whose spouse, child, parent, etc died.  Death isn't contagious - it's just a fact of life.  We might want to isolate ourselves, but don't let us - it isn't healthy for long periods. 
2.  Hug us, we really miss the physical contact most of all.  Hugging helps us connect to life outside our own.  It helps us feel loved.
1.  When all else fails, and you can't think of anything else to say - use this phrase.  "I am here and I don't know what to say, but I didn't want to say nothing."

Peace be with you and may the New Year bring about a positive change in our world.

Namaste,

Nicole

I'll Have a Blue Christmas Without you...

December 25, 2012

Christmas without you is just not the same. All the lights are hung, but don't shine as bright. The tree is decorated, but isn't as grand. The mistletoe is perched high above and yet you are not here to steal a kiss. The packages are wrapped and fill the space under the tree and yet the emptiness of your absence echoes in my heart. I have been cheery and bright because that is what I must do for our daughter and the rest of our children, yet it feels like I am somehow betraying you and our love when I laugh and get lost in the joy of the holiday. Despite the occasional festivities with various friends & family, these nights alone feel insurmountably lonely.  Merry Christmas my darling, I am trying to be brave and face this day knowing it will come whether or not I am ready. I would welcome the ghost of Christmas Past transporting me to a happier time to remind me of the glory of Christmas night with you.  Your Santa hat will sit empty Christmas morning and yet the day will be beautiful and magical and special and there will be happiness and joy and packages and wrapping paper will fill the air along with the laughter of our children - because that is what Christmas is all about.  Why can't Santa visit me tonight and grant just one Christmas wish?  Let me steal one last kiss, one last hug, one last caress of your face.  Alas, Santa will not visit me this year, it's just Christmas without you...another of many firsts I must endure.

    Ron was dressed as Santa for her school Christmas Party

How happy is she to have her daddy as Santa?

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I did well today, all things considered.  I think my friend of the day was actually the annoying head cold and chest congestion that kept me fuzzy headed and focused on breathing rather than my sadness missing my husband on the first Christmas without him.

I stopped at the cemetery on the way to my Mom's house with my 7 yr old daughter.  We sat and talked to him, wishing him a Merry Christmas and placing an amaryllis flower at his grave marker.  I didn't have the overwhelming waves of emotions I expected, just numb, mindless stares at the grave marker with his name.  It was as if I was not truly comprehending that he was buried 6 feet beneath me, the body of the man I had loved, held and caressed.  How strange to be so close to him - a mere step or two really, and yet all I could feel was the cold, moist earth soaking into my jeans as I kneeled at his gravesite.  I am sure a little part of me let go today.  I was able to allow myself to celebrate the day with our children rather than stay stuck in the magnitude of my loss.

A quote from today: This is pertinent to myself and so many others this holiday season. "We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.  Match our celebration and loss with the same depth of gratitude."

It is with gratitude for the life and love of my husband that I can move forward each day, taking grander steps towards my new normal.  I ask only "what next" with all hope and expectation for a positive and fulfilling response.  I am gearing up for a major change in my life in the next couple weeks and one of the next steps I need to take is to begin cleaning out the clutter and excess in my life. This is not only a physical letting go but an emotional one as well.  Ron isn't coming back. He made his decision a long time ago to have a shorter life and it is my task to live my remaining years (all 45+ of them!) with zest and vigor.   Letting go of the "stuff" in my home will allow me to also metaphorically let go of the excess bulk in my physical self.  The two are correlated for sure.

Soon, it will be time to ring in the New Year of 2013.  I intend to do so with less clutter in my home and less clutter within me.

A Radical Shift

December 16, 2012

So, here I sit two days after the 6 month anniversary of my husband's sudden and (unexpected??) death from a heart attack and I am thinking about the next 6 months, year and life ahead.  What is it that motivates me to keep going and keep moving in a forward direction when I am constantly being pulled back by the memories of our love and life together.  I am starting to see the world a little more clearly now as the fog and haze is constantly lifting, but I am held still and unmoving with the tethers of my past.  With each passing day, it feels like I am pulling teeth from their sockets and ripping flesh, nerves and tendons that try to hold everything in its place.  I want to move on, but I feel guilty for leaving him behind.  I do not want to let go of my love for him or any of the wonderful memories we shared, but there is something I do have to realize if I am going to be healthy emotionally and physically going forward.  My Ron was not living a healthy life and everything he did was the antithesis of longevity.  He ate what he wanted, sat around and did not have a regular exercise routine.  He indulged himself any time he wanted and made no apologies for his behaviors, just excuses and reasons.  He would say to me as I was working out with my trainer "I love hard work - I could watch it all day!".  He would mumble through bites of a double bacon cheeseburger "I would rather have a shorter life eating cheeseburgers than a long life eating tofu!".  This attitude permeated our relationship and gave me permission to be fat, lazy and indulgent as well.  I allowed myself to be sucked into poor eating, lazy and sedentary life.  I get to suffer with the results today as a 46 yr old woman who is carrying an extra 100+ lbs of weight.  It is not Ron's fault this happened, it is completely mine and I have to own it.  With the owning comes the responsibility to do something about it.

I loved my husband deeply and neither of us were svelte, shapely or athletic looking, we sunk into a life that kept us from becoming individuals in our best health and fitness possible.  Now, he is dead based on those choices and I need to make a different choice for my life if I want to live.  I need to make a radical shift and envision a life of health and fitness that is just as satisfying and fulfilling as a life of indulgence.  Nothing else will create change - only adopting and buying into the new vision.

My challenge, purpose and intention is to create a vision that I can get excited about, buy into 100% and work towards each and every day.  I am going to start with a tool that I know works in any situation where a radical shift in my life needs to take place.  A Vision Board or Dream Map.  To make a vision board or dream map, you take a large sheet of paper or poster board and a pile of magazines.  You start by writing down things like "where do I want to be 6 months from today, 1 year from today, 3 years and 5 years".  This is basically a 5 yr plan.  You then find pictures that align with your vision for yourself in 5 years.  Once you create the vision, you can begin laying the stepping stones for getting there.  If everything you do is in alignment with your ultimate goal, you can't go wrong!  It's pretty cool and I know if one truly wants to create change, then this is the way to do it.  This is how I am going to put my life back on track for fitness, health, business and personal achievements.  My first goal is to release the weight that has been holding me back for years and keeping me from my true potential and to create cardio fitness that will sustain me through my golden years.  I will post a picture of my Dream/Vision map when it is completed!

Now comes the hardest part of weight loss.  Getting started.  It's the holidays - the perfect excuse for indulgence and taking on the "diet starts January 1st" mentality.  I know it is virtually impossible to make a radical shift when everything around is filled with sugar and cream so I am going to give myself permission to enjoy the holidays and the sweetness of the season this year and eliminate the stress of dieting.   I will create my Vision Board/Dream Map before the end of the year then get ready for an incredible journey!

The Sands of Time..

December 12, 2012

A year ago, I was so unaware how that joyful season was going to be the last time I would share a Christmas kiss with the man I loved. We kissed our little magical girl on her 6th birthday, two parents who were completely, 100% in it together.  A year ago, everything seemed to be ahead of us, doors and windows opened wide and we let abundance fill our lives. A year ago, we planned for a future traveling the world, enjoying our home, family and friends - together. What a difference a year makes.  While I really want to sink into the sadness and grief over losing my husband, I have to find that part of me that can move forward with the same joy, energy and expectations for a life of new experiences.

It is in my nature to draw inward when life becomes sad or stressful.  I tend to become a bit of a hermit and stay home rather than socialize in times of despair.  I am working overtime to change this habit and move into the mainstream of life and find my spot in the sun.  I need to change a lot about me to do this, but I'm almost 47 years old and change is not so easy to consider.

I posted something on Facebook last night, the night before the very last time we will see a repetitive date 12-12-12 and it was just my musings about the end of the world as we know it.  Joys, regrets and expectations we set upon ourselves:

If today was the last day you would be here on this earth, and the world ended tomorrow... what would you regret? What would you have done differently or better if you knew tomorrow was the end? What relationships would you have healed - or not destroyed in the first place? Who would you have called to say hello, I love you, I need you, I want you - or just stopped by to visit? Where would you have traveled to and with whom? Can you lay your head on your pillow tonight, content that yours was a life well lived? Does your legacy speak for itself? Does the thought of unfinished business leave you anxious and sad? What will you choose if the sun comes up tomorrow and the day is full of life and opportunity? Will your first thoughts be on intention and purpose or apathy and repetitive fear based patterns? I'm curious - will the magic of tomorrow and the unique numerology of the day create a positive shift in mankind? I'm ready for transformation - are you? You have one hour to decide.

 I am making changes daily and strive to keep changing and evolving as I move into the second half of my life.  I will not allow the sudden and tragic loss of my husband dictate a life of sadness and despair.  I will powerfully take a stand for purpose and intention and create amazing experiences so that on my last day, I can look back with a smile and say "Ya done good girl!".

Anniversaries and other such occasions

November 25, 2012      

Today would have been my 11th wedding anniversary. Instead of a day of special hugs and flirty kisses, I will visit the cemetery and his grave, resting my head on the ground so I can whisper "I love you" to the musty earth. I will busy myself with the hum-drum dealings of daily life and do my best to hold the floods of tears, so available these days, from creating a river of despair. I will remember our 12 1/2 years together, the beautiful home we created and the amazing blended family of 7 children that is the legacy of our love. I will remember the cold, crisp November day when we stood in our backyard, under the beautiful white chuppah he made, dressed in our wedding finest, amongst our children, family and friends and promised to love, honor and cherish each other through good times and bad, sickness and health, forsaking all others, until death do us part. We did honor our vows each and every day, loving each other amongst the trials of raising teens, running a business, jobs that came and went, the ever present water leaks that began the day we were married. We rode the waves of life hand in hand occasionally running from an unexpected high tide or rogue wave, but returning to the shore to view the sunset at the end of the day, knowing our life together was good, special, meaningful and blessed by the Universe. I love you so much Ron Weiler! Happy anniversary baby, you were my best friend, my partner, my lover and soulmate.

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The weather on the morning of our wedding was shaping up after the torrents of rain we had experienced for days on end.  The sky was clear with no threat of precipitation.  It was cold though, crisp and cold like a beautiful Fall day.  People were bustling about setting up tables and chairs, flowers adorned every nook and shelf space in the backyard.  The Chuppah proudly made by Ron stood in the corner of the backyard awaiting our vows. The kids had the sense of impending change and excitement as they dressed in the rented tuxedos and special gown for the ceremony.  Our guests arrived and took their place in the rows of chairs on our lawn.  A magical harp began singing in the background, summoning my arrival on the ceremonial carpet.

I was so nervous and excited at the same time.  I was taking a huge leap marrying a man so very different than I.  He was nearly 13 years my senior, a New Yorker and a Jew.  We had so many things about us that were different, but those differences seemed to draw us in and make our curiosities grow.  We were so interested in each others lives, upbringing and history that it was those differences that helped define our relationship.  We always had our little saying "The Wonderful World of We".  It was going to be he and I and our kids against the world.  Nobody was going to get in between us.  We had each others back and love would see us through anything.

We had written our vows, designed our rings and took a leap of faith right into each others arms.  We were in love and everyone could see it.  The ceremony was beautiful with the most spiritual and meaningful service conducted by a Rabbi.We danced and laughed and kissed every time we got near each other.  Our love had a magnetism that drew us together passionately.

We ended the evening with my gift to Ron - a bottle of Camus XO Superior Cognac straight from France and a couple fine cigars.  We sat in our wedding clothes sipping cognac and puffing on cigars stealing flirty glances and planning a very long life together.

Til death do us part.