Helping vs Rescue

August 15, 2016

Dearest Parents:

Give your child a gift and stop rescuing them. "What?" you say... "But they are kids!  They NEED ME!!!! "  Newsflash mom & dad - they need you, yes but they also need to start working on learning accountability and personal responsibility.  What is the difference between Rescue and Helping? Let's take a look.

     Rescue is doing things for another that they are capable of doing for themselves.  When a child (or adult child!) stumbles or fails, they gain tenacity and creativity. They learn in a way no lecture or punishment can provide. Failure is a tremendous gift that provides perspective and fuels ingenuity. Through the process of holding your offspring capable, they will discover  confidence and accountability.  It might be difficult to watch them struggle or juggling to do several things, it's ok!  Offering encouragement and faith in their abilities will keep them working on managing their life in a powerful and positive way. 

     It's interesting watching friends who have adult children who constantly "help" their child with everyday tasks they should be finding ways to manage on their own.  I know most parents typically raise their children to become fully functioning and productive adults in the community, yet once they are on their own,  why do some insist on making their kids dependent on their help? My guess is they haven't quite figured out how to exist outside the role of parenting a young child.   

     I've seen some parents who grocery shop for their adult child and routinely run errands for them while they work - enough! This isn't helping, it is rescuing and enabling child-like behaviors. Allow them the opportunity to figure out how to prioritize work and play as well as their household responsibilities.  I know some cultures strongly believe in taking care of their adult children long after marriage and children but what does that create?  Entitled, dependent and often whiny adults.  What do they create?  Yep, more entitled, dependent, whiny kids... It's a terrible cycle

Where does this begin? Elementary school! Parents who dictate and micromanage every aspect of their child's academic and social interactions will grow into parents who can't let go and let their child live without the parent holding onto invisible strings like Geppeto.

Let. Them. Fail.

The simplest way to assist your child to learn through natural consequences is to stop running to their aid when they forget things at home.  I am going to teach you a very valuable word.  It's magical actually.  Regular use of this word will eventually create mindful, accountable and responsible young people.  Here it is..... Are you ready?      BUMMER.  Simple, right?  Say it with me.... BUMMER.  OK, let's practice it in a few different scenarios:

Forgot homework at home ? Bummer.
Forgot your jacket at home? Bummer.
Didn't get that permission slip signed on time for the senior trip? Bummer.
Left books at school and can't finish the project and will get an "F"? Bummer.

Eventually their own success will become important enough to find a way to prioritize, balance and be accountable.

If more parents would take a step back and give their child a chance to shine from within, we might see a new generation demonstrating strength, character,  courage and confidence rather than entitlement, narcissism and apathy.

I asked my 10 yr old about this today since it seems the theme of Rescue vs Helping is playing out all over Facebook.  

Me: "Hey, if you were in regular school (she is homeschooled) and you left your homework at home, what is the worst thing that might happen?"

She: "I would get a bad grade"

Me: "Whose responsibility is it to make sure you have what you need for school?"

She: "Mine, well I do ask for your help to remember things sometimes"

Me: "What would happen next time if you got a bad grade for forgetting your homework?"

She: "Well, I certainly wouldn't forget again!  I would plan ahead!"

She: "Oh, and mama, I'm glad I'm homeschooled"

Honestly, I didn't expect her responses.  I am pleasantly surprised, yet not shocked.  I learned the word "Bummer" many years ago and applied it regularly with my older 6 kids.  I guess when you mean what you say and say what you mean, it sinks in.

Our job as parents is not a constant, it shifts and evolves.  It is our challenge to find a way to stand in support without building scaffolding around them. Yes, we do occasionally throw out a life preserver to rescue our young ones when they get in over their head, but what if we are not there?  What will they do?  You can't ask a non-swimmer to "figure it out" in the middle of a stormy sea.  Help your children learn to swim in the world of accountability early on while the waters are still calm.  Let them feel the pain of a few "Bummers" so that when it truly counts, they have built a tool box to handle all situations that come their way in school, work and relationships. 

You've got this.  I hold you capable!

Just my thoughts as kids get back to a new school year.

Musings of a Multigenerational Mom.

A Not So Ordinary Day

June 14, 2016

Today is the 4^th anniversary of my beloved, Ron Weiler’s death.  I am sure many would expect a post about how much I miss him today and how today is set apart from each and every day as more significant than the others.  It isn’t and I won’t.  Today is just like every day without him; sad, magnificent, heartbreaking, joyful, lonely, full of adventure, scary, new, transforming and so much more. There are no absolutes and grief, however intense is not one sided. I miss him terribly each and every day so this day, regardless of its significance can’t make my grief or my joy any better or worse. Today is just today – ordinary.  His death forced me to move to Plan B, far sooner than I had expected.  I have also set up a plan C, D, E and F… just in case. For now, though, I will just keep on kicking the SHIT out of my Plan B. 

It’s funny how extraordinary the ordinary can be.  Did you get up and have your morning cup of coffee to start the day?  Did you sit with your spouse or friend or kids and talk about nothing in particular?  You wouldn’t say to someone later “OMG! Let me tell you about my morning cup of coffee!” because, in the scheme of our day to day lives, it just doesn’t rate.  Let me tell you about a cup of coffee that will always remain significant and memorable.  On the morning of June 14^th, 2012, I drove my little one to school and returned to a fresh pot of coffee made by my husband. He was always so thoughtful like that.  We chatted about nothing much in particular while we each poured a cup of the steaming goodness.  We sat at our dining room table just feet away from each other and sipped while we talked.  I do not remember what we talked about really, just that we were able to take a breather from the craziness of the previous week and just be us.  We laughed and talked about our kids, life our home, business, you know, “ordinary stuff”.  Then, one of our older kids, Timothy, walked in the door to show off his new EMT uniform.  He had been hired to a job he had worked very hard to get and was just getting off his first training shift.  Tim was proud and thrilled to show us and to show off.  We talked for a bit, took a picture and he left to go home and sleep.  Then, Ron and I finished our coffee, rinsed the cups and placed them in the sink.  We kissed, as we often did because, well even after 12 ½ years together, we were very much in love and kissing was just so…. ordinary.  Ron went up to the office to work and I went about my morning.  That was the last cup of coffee we shared – ever. That night, my world was shattered, my heart ripped from my chest as his stopped beating in a tragic last gasp.

It’s no accident that I look forward to my cup of coffee every morning.  Just one cup, no more, but now, I drink it alone. It is my quiet time to reflect and gather myself for the day.  I take a bit of time as I sip at my morning elixir to talk to Ron, share a laugh or work through a problem imagining his input.  I wonder what he might think of me now, 4 years later.  I didn’t fall apart; in fact, I have done the opposite some might say.  I am weeks away from achieving my Master’s in Nursing, I have managed to raise our daughter to be a confident, kind, funny, sweet, generous and intelligent young lady while homeschooling her, working, maintaining a business, purchasing and remodeling an investment property, navigated all the highs and lows of parenting and becoming a grandparent, and all the hiccups and road blocks along the way. I’m not healed or “over it” as some would prefer, it is still my daily reality to feel the ache of missing someone I loved so very much.  I asked the question 4 years ago “how will I ever make it? How will I manage?”  The answer came in a very non-reassuring way.  “You just keep living until you feel alive again”.  I am starting to feel it, that soft familiar vibration in my chest.  I remember that sensation of a heart beating, when I was alive before all this.  It seems, 4 years is about the time when the heart is reminded that it can live again despite the lengthy lapse of life sustaining oxygen or love. It must be time, to feel alive again. Grief must be loosening its grip, if just ever so slightly.

For those reading this today, a very ordinary day I am sure, please do not take for granted your morning cup of coffee or tea.  Find gratitude in each moment, each breath.  This is all we get and making each day count is our gift and privilege.  Those moments with your loved one, treasure them! It’s never guaranteed this life of ours.  In a flash, a snap, a nanosecond, your life can be changed forever and your very ordinary day suddenly won’t be so ordinary.

With that, on this 4^th anniversary of the crossing over of that man we all knew as Ron Weiler, I will take time today to remember the wonderful man he was, adoring husband, doting father, loving son and brother.  He was here and he mattered. He cared deeply for his family and friends, making time regularly to connect.  He made a difference because he loved me and our children.  Thank you for taking the time to walk down this melancholy road of a couple sweet memories with me, and for connecting to the life that once was, the life of my love, Ron Weiler.