Just two hours or so before, I was driving up the coast to Big Sur on the way to a 4 day camping trip with my daughter. I started to get very emotional, tears were welling up and I couldn't figure out why. I felt deep anguish and the source was not clear. I tried to gut check to see if I was thinking about Ron or something to do with our life and love, and while I am always thinking about him, that wasn't it. I tried to shake it so I could be happy, joyful for my daughter and our latest adventure. It shouldn't have come as a shock to learn - but those tears were created after a great disturbance in the force - the moment Brian died.
Brian died from Melanoma after a 4 year battle. Brian was my cousin. He was only 44 years old and left behind a wife and two children ages 16 & 20
What was it about this death that shook me to the very inner core of my being? Probably that the death of my own husband was still so fresh, even though a year had passed. I couldn't shake the resurgence of memories of Ron's last breath, his last heartbeat and the last time I felt his skin on mine. I knew, another woman was going through the gut wrenching reality of losing her love, soul-mate and best friend. I ached for her and her children. Somehow, the Universe connected us with a very thin strand joining together two women dumped into our new realities.
I was desperate to talk to Aprille. I wanted to tell her that she was going to make it, be ok and all that. I wanted to assure her that while right now everything seemed like an ending and breathing had to be a conscious activity, ultimately she would survive this. I wanted to stand before her and show her that it is possible to live after the death of her husband. I could not reach out to her though, too much and too overwhelming. Plus, I was far from cell service and any contact. I had to wait.
The day before the funeral, I sat down and wrote her a letter. It was my way of providing guidance, support and love. I told her a bit about my experience over the last year and some things that seemed to help me during those first few weeks after Ron's death. I also told her some of the things I had learned in my last year's journey being a young widow. I hope it helped and continues to help as she sorts through her life and works to create her new normal.
What did I tell her?
1. Right now, today and until you are ready for more - you have two jobs. 1. Breathe in 2. Breathe out. That's it. Nothing else matters.
2. You do not HAVE to do anything in anyone's time frame other than your own. You will know when it is time to take the next step.
3. FEEL. Grief hurts. Allow yourself to feel the pain of your terrible loss. If you don't do it now, it will still be there later and just might be a little more painful.
4. People are clueless - they don't mean to be but few know the right words to say to someone who experienced a loss. You will hear a lot of attempts to comfort you - don't expect any of it to give you peace or solace. It's ok, let them comfort you anyway. BE with people and allow their friendship and love to hold you up until you are strong enough to stand on your own.
5. Right now, only three people count. You, your son and your daughter. That is your core and cornerstone. Hold on tight to each other. The rest of the world can wait.
6. Talk about Brian. Tell stories, and yes, you will smile and laugh. It's ok. Laughter and smiles are you celebrating his LIFE. You are not a bad person if you enjoy a moment. He would love to see you smile - even if through tears.
7. Allow yourself to feel other emotions - anger, resentment, fear, anxiety. They are all a part of the grief soup.
8. One day, when you are ready, take little steps forward. Tackle small jobs first - baby steps, one moment, one day at a time.
9. Hold on to the love. Love will guide you, nurture you, support you and push you back to reality. It is the intense love you had for each other that will help you live again, in your new normal.
10. You will make it. You will survive. 100% guaranteed. You are a strong woman and you won't let Brian down. You will survive and thrive.
So, if you have someone in your life who recently lost a partner, love, spouse please feel free to pass this on. I hope it helps someone in their terrible time of grief, or helps someone support a person who is experiencing a loss.
I still have a lot of work to do in my own grief journey, but I have excellent tools and supportive guides to get me to the next steps.
2 comments:
As always Nicole... Beautifully written!
Thank you!
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