Helping vs Rescue

August 15, 2016

Dearest Parents:

Give your child a gift and stop rescuing them. "What?" you say... "But they are kids!  They NEED ME!!!! "  Newsflash mom & dad - they need you, yes but they also need to start working on learning accountability and personal responsibility.  What is the difference between Rescue and Helping? Let's take a look.

     Rescue is doing things for another that they are capable of doing for themselves.  When a child (or adult child!) stumbles or fails, they gain tenacity and creativity. They learn in a way no lecture or punishment can provide. Failure is a tremendous gift that provides perspective and fuels ingenuity. Through the process of holding your offspring capable, they will discover  confidence and accountability.  It might be difficult to watch them struggle or juggling to do several things, it's ok!  Offering encouragement and faith in their abilities will keep them working on managing their life in a powerful and positive way. 

     It's interesting watching friends who have adult children who constantly "help" their child with everyday tasks they should be finding ways to manage on their own.  I know most parents typically raise their children to become fully functioning and productive adults in the community, yet once they are on their own,  why do some insist on making their kids dependent on their help? My guess is they haven't quite figured out how to exist outside the role of parenting a young child.   

     I've seen some parents who grocery shop for their adult child and routinely run errands for them while they work - enough! This isn't helping, it is rescuing and enabling child-like behaviors. Allow them the opportunity to figure out how to prioritize work and play as well as their household responsibilities.  I know some cultures strongly believe in taking care of their adult children long after marriage and children but what does that create?  Entitled, dependent and often whiny adults.  What do they create?  Yep, more entitled, dependent, whiny kids... It's a terrible cycle

Where does this begin? Elementary school! Parents who dictate and micromanage every aspect of their child's academic and social interactions will grow into parents who can't let go and let their child live without the parent holding onto invisible strings like Geppeto.

Let. Them. Fail.

The simplest way to assist your child to learn through natural consequences is to stop running to their aid when they forget things at home.  I am going to teach you a very valuable word.  It's magical actually.  Regular use of this word will eventually create mindful, accountable and responsible young people.  Here it is..... Are you ready?      BUMMER.  Simple, right?  Say it with me.... BUMMER.  OK, let's practice it in a few different scenarios:

Forgot homework at home ? Bummer.
Forgot your jacket at home? Bummer.
Didn't get that permission slip signed on time for the senior trip? Bummer.
Left books at school and can't finish the project and will get an "F"? Bummer.

Eventually their own success will become important enough to find a way to prioritize, balance and be accountable.

If more parents would take a step back and give their child a chance to shine from within, we might see a new generation demonstrating strength, character,  courage and confidence rather than entitlement, narcissism and apathy.

I asked my 10 yr old about this today since it seems the theme of Rescue vs Helping is playing out all over Facebook.  

Me: "Hey, if you were in regular school (she is homeschooled) and you left your homework at home, what is the worst thing that might happen?"

She: "I would get a bad grade"

Me: "Whose responsibility is it to make sure you have what you need for school?"

She: "Mine, well I do ask for your help to remember things sometimes"

Me: "What would happen next time if you got a bad grade for forgetting your homework?"

She: "Well, I certainly wouldn't forget again!  I would plan ahead!"

She: "Oh, and mama, I'm glad I'm homeschooled"

Honestly, I didn't expect her responses.  I am pleasantly surprised, yet not shocked.  I learned the word "Bummer" many years ago and applied it regularly with my older 6 kids.  I guess when you mean what you say and say what you mean, it sinks in.

Our job as parents is not a constant, it shifts and evolves.  It is our challenge to find a way to stand in support without building scaffolding around them. Yes, we do occasionally throw out a life preserver to rescue our young ones when they get in over their head, but what if we are not there?  What will they do?  You can't ask a non-swimmer to "figure it out" in the middle of a stormy sea.  Help your children learn to swim in the world of accountability early on while the waters are still calm.  Let them feel the pain of a few "Bummers" so that when it truly counts, they have built a tool box to handle all situations that come their way in school, work and relationships. 

You've got this.  I hold you capable!

Just my thoughts as kids get back to a new school year.

Musings of a Multigenerational Mom.