Namaste & The Art of Detachment

June 16, 2014

LET IT GO!

The song heard round the world times a thousand.  Why is it such a catchy tune?  Why is it that every human from the cute little 2 yr old to the stay at home mom to the hardy US Marine is singing this song over and over again?

What about this song touches our Universal subconscious? Is it possible that collectively we have a problem with attachment and desire the ability to just "let it go"?  I know I struggle with attachment on a daily basis.  I am certainly attached when it comes to the loss of my husband.  I am attached when it comes to my children and their daily struggles.  I am attached to the safety and security of my home, finances and relationships. When I am attached, it creates stress, disappointment and fear resulting in overwhelming anxiety.  Going through the grieving process has shown me that creating healthy detachments to elements in my life is the ONLY way to heal and move forward.  I know I am attached to something when I fear its loss or have an expected outcome.  I learned something many years ago, it was called "The Four Immutable Laws of Detachment".  It is a guide, so to speak, on letting go.

The Four Immutable Laws of Detachment

1.  Whenever something happens - is EXACTLY the right time.
2.  Whoever shows up are EXACTLY the right people!
3.  Whatever happens is the ONLY thing that could happen.
4.  When it's over - it's OVER.

I have referred back to these four laws many times in my life, yet death seems to defy all reasoning and sense when it comes to detachment.  How can losing the one you love be the ONLY thing that could happen in your life at that moment?  How can it just be OVER?

Strangely, when someone comes into our lives we say "Ah! the Universe brought this person into my life! Hurray! There is a REASON they are with me!" and we say this with happiness and joy, yet when the purpose or reason has been met and they are gone, we are deflated and empty experiencing despair rather than being full of all the memories, lessons and moments the relationship provided.  This is a prime example of how attachment works in our daily lives and keeps us from fully experiencing all that this life has to offer.  Attachments require us to ride a roller coaster of emotions, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  The best way to get off the carnival ride is to create awareness and be mindful of the energy given to relationships.  The mantra I suggest is "I know I am attached when I have expectation".  This is not the same as goals. Goals are different.  Setting goals is healthy and provides a pathway or guide to the journey.  Expectations are an emotional investment to the outcome. 

As a widow, grieving the loss of my husband, letting go of my attachment to an expected life is vital.  I must be open to the possibilities that my future has to offer.  Without remaining open and detaching from my expectations, I will never see the wonderful things that could come my way.  My life isn't over because my husband died, it is just different.  My New Normal.  I am asked all the time if I would ever marry again.  The answer is yes, I am open to the idea of being married again.  I am open to the idea of dating again.  It is extremely scary to think about inviting someone new into my life yet I am ready to accept the possibility.  Now that I am at the 2 year mark, it is incredible how different I view my life, my future and the potential to be happy.  I never imagined 2 years ago that I could recover from the devastation of losing my soulmate.  I never imagined I would smile again.  I am not "healed" or "over" Ron - far from that!  I did survive and for those who have recently lost someone they love, the idea of detachment might not be something you can wrap your head around right now, but at some point you will.  I will always be grateful to Ron for coming into my life, changing me into the woman I am today and recognizing my strengths and supporting me when I was weak.  I will never regret loving this man, even though I only had 12 1/2 years to love him on this earth.  I am strong, I am a survivor - please know you will survive too.  And yes, you too will learn to "Let it Go". 

Namaste

LIVE THE LIST

Dec 28, 2103 (delayed post!)

I turned 48 a week and a half ago.  2 years until 50.  I want to develop a "bucket list" so to speak, or a 50 fabulous things to do by 50.  I'm giving myself 2 years to complete this list.

I realize that my entire life has been on hold for that time when nothing else takes priority.  When I have no other responsibilities or deadlines.  One thing I had to realize - I will ALWAYS have deadlines.  I will ALWAYS have something else that needs to be done before tending to my own needs. There will always be a reason, story or excuse for not leaping into the vast unknown, empty handed blindfolded with nothing but faith for wings.  Starting now, today I will find TIME.

Time for me.

Time for health

Time for Fitness

Time for adventure.

A bucket list shouldn't have an expiration date other than, well, the "end". We should all live each day as if it was our only opportunity to experience whatever comes our way.  "Live the List" so to speak.  I have definitely spent a lot of time talking about all the things I want to do in my life, but very little time putting action behind those words.  I hold back and yet I have no idea, like anyone else, how many days I have left.  Ron didn't know that early evening on June 14th that the laughter, conversation and sunset - would be his last.  He left this earth with dreams of places he wanted to see, things he wanted to do and we were going to do them together.  Italy was on our "list" for July - and it never happened.  Now that I have spent 18+ months licking my wounds and tip-toeing into my New Normal, it's time to get real about living my own list and make it reality.  Have you thought about how your list would look? 

Here is the list of what I want to do/experience today, tomorrow or somewhere along the way.  Some of it I want to do by 50, some can wait a bit. The date of my 50th is 12/18/2015,  but since I intend to hang around a long time after that - I will leave this list open, a work in progress much like me. This list is not in any particular order - and will not be complete any time soon so come back and check to see what else gets added!
The list is growing!!!!

1. Get my Master's in Nursing (by 51) - in progress  DONE 9/2017
2. Be at a healthy weight and fit - in progress
3. Practice Yoga daily
4. Run a half marathon (scheduled for May 1th 2015 - Disney 1/2~!)
5.  Learn to paddle board
6. Get scuba certified again (finally)
7. Go on a photo safari/expedition
8. Visit Camus Cognac in France - Done! July 2016
9. Drink a pint of Guinness in a pub in Galway, Ireland - Done! July 2016
10. Sip Ouzo on the shores of the Aegean Sea
11. Take a cooking class in Tuscany
12. See a Broadway show - DONE! 6/10/14
13. Ride a camel in Egypt
14. Learn how to use my SLR camera better
15.Write a book, or two, or three!
16. Zipline through a rainforest
17.Take a belly dancing class
18. Buy a home in Washington, Puget Sound. DONE!  1/31/15
19.Learn to Quilt!  Done!  2/15/15

More to come! 

Running From Grief

 

April 11, 2014

Running from Grief.  Like Tom Hanks as the Forest Gump character, after the love of his life walked out of his life yet again, "just started running". I look back at the last 4 1/2 months and realize, I too have been running from my own grief. I have kept myself so busy that I do not get to explore or examine the subtle reminders that I no longer have the love of my life to lean on, talk to or plan out our lives with. I avoid the sadness by laughing and joking about things most would not think funny. My running is not from Ron, it is from the pain, sorrow and anguish that grief creates.

Why is it after a year and half, just when I thought things were getting easier to cope with, did I start to run?  I believe there comes a point on this grief journey when you just decide you don't want to be sad anymore.  You can't erase the pain, so the next best thing is to always remain a few steps ahead of it and if it gets close, just run a little faster, add a few more activities to the day and numb out. I immersed myself in my business, working at the hospital, being a Girl Scout leader and all of my daughter's activities. I also stopped writing this blog (did you even notice?) and taking a look at my own grief because when I write, I must admit that I am grieving. 

I also noticed I was venturing into that scary, unknown world of "online dating".  Along with my other widow friends, we each put up a profile to see what the dating world might look like. I was convinced that I could take that step into bringing another into my life to fill the holes of pain, sadness and loneliness and all I could think of is if I fill it - the pain will cease. I was so wrong. The reality is as I come up for air for the first time in months, I am not ready to bring anyone into my heart let alone my life. I am still so wounded, so raw and not anywhere near balanced. I have a lot of work to do to get myself to a place where I am able to welcome another. I remember how complete, balanced and whole I was when I met Ron.  I was ready and open and that is why he came into my life.  We were ready for each other.  I want to be like that before I find someone to walk the next part of my own life's journey.

I still cry when I think of Ron. I still miss him in the most gut wrenching way. I think about him 100 times a day.  He is everywhere around me, in every bird's song, in the whisper of the wind and the brightness of the sunlight. He is in my daughter's laughter and smile and the tear when she is sad.

Grief is a journey, made up of many thousands of tiny steps.  Some span a longer distance than others and some just land in the same place as the one before.  To lift the foot and make the attempt - that is the triumph.