“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!
Navigating through this year learning to be a widow and single mother, I find I am forging new ground on a daily basis. I have a 7 year old daughter who has a set of needs, wants and emotions that must be dealt with in a calm, protective, nurturing manner. She needs to be taught, guided, disciplined and given boundaries in order to find her place in the family and this world. She doesn't have years and experience to back up what she is doing, she is new, green and still needy. I need to balance her basic needs along with the unknown, new territory of a grieving child. Caring for her is a full time job for two parents and now I must carry this responsibility alone. I never intended to be a single parent again. I loved parenting with Ron. We were a great team and when one was at capacity, the other took over. I do find myself giving so much that by the end of the day, I don't even have the energy to open a bottle of wine and relax!
A 7 year old child who is grieving does not go about it in a way one might imagine. She has never broken down, crying and asking for her daddy. Some may think this is terrible and she didn't love him, that is so far from the truth. Often a child will not grieve at first because to them, the world is all about what is happening right now. Her reality is that her daddy is dead, not coming back and she has me and her siblings left to make up her family. She is able to find peace in that because she isn't mature enough or ready to deal with the enormity and permanence that death represents. She fully understands death and that people who die do not come back, but beyond that she doesn't get all the life happenings that will forever be different without her daddy. She will never again have her daddy at a Father/Daughter dance, her daddy will not be there when she graduates high school and college, she will never have her daddy walk her down the isle when she gets married, her daddy will not be there when she becomes a mommy. These are the things we as adults think about and the profundity of death is hard enough for us, how could a child possibly take all that in without becoming catatonic? So, for now she plays, laughs and acts out on occasion and all I can do is love her, comfort her and give her a safe environment so she can one day express her grief openly. Even in my own grief, imagine navigating the needs of a grieving 7 yr old and the other 6 adult children who each have their own grief path. They all need support, but they need it differently. Balance - in theory a wonderful goal, in reality almost unattainable.
My life has been further complicated (enhanced??) recently by three of my adult children moving back home. One lives here consistently, one sort of moved in, but rarely sleeps here and the third uses my house as a way-station and laundromat and occasionally falls asleep on my couch in between 48 hour shifts as an EMT. So the dilemma is that I must keep the boundaries of "No TV" during the day for the 7 yr old, when the 22 and 24 yr old plop down on the couch and turn on the tube any time they want! I am teaching the 7 year old to clean up after herself, help with trash, animals and dishes and the older two leave clothes, shoes and dishes all over the place! Ok, so this is starting to sound like a bitch session, not my intention. The point is that I need to shift from being "mommy/teacher/mentor Mom" to "landlord/Mom" and back again several times a day. I need the 7 year old to see that just because you are an adult, you don't get to bend the rules. I also need the adult children to take special care to do the right things and be a good example so I don't have to nag or bitch all the time. It's hilarious at times because there are sometimes arguments between the 7 and 22/24 yr olds about who did what, who didn't do what and the inevitable "MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMY!!!!!!" Hollered from down the hall when they can't sort it out themselves. It's amusing to see two individual who are siblings with the age difference of many parent/child relationships, fighting like siblings! I am a Multigenerational Mom, something I see more and more these days. I am parenting children in two different generations. My oldest 6 are actually old enough to be my youngest child's parent. I get to see all the good and bad of my previous parenting and apply it as needed to my youngest daughter. But to be a good parent, I need to still be fair and not give or do too much to one or the other. I need to balance my love, time and attention across the board. The older ones don't require as much nurturing so it is easier, but they still want me to pay attention to the things going on in their lives.
This balancing act is not just about balancing what is happening outside of me, but finding the balance within. I have always spent my life giving and doing for others. It's just part of my nature, who I BE. While balancing my home, children, job, business, friendships and other activities I am involved in, I rarely stop and give just to me. I am really not sure what that is supposed to look like. I know what other people do - get massages, read a book, sit in the sun and meditate, go to a movie, go to the gym, eat healthy. I just don't know how to translate that into my own day to day living.
I blogged earlier about creating a Radical Shift. This is another step - Balance and Harmony. Keeping true to my inner needs and setting aside what others have come to expect of me. Each day doing one thing just for me. Loving me just as much as I love others, loved Ron, love my children.
A Radical Shift = bringing on Balance and Harmony. It's time for me.
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