Pieces of You

Catching up on some posts I started a while ago, but never finished...

March 7, 2013


Today, I received a bill in the mail from my infertility doctor, Dr. Brian Acacio. It was for a year's worth of sperm storage. This piece of news takes me completely by surprise and shakes me to the core of my being. To think that living matter belonging to my husband still exists on this planet when he is no longer here makes me want to run as fast as I can to grab it and go through a cycle to conceive a baby, OUR baby. The baby we were supposed to have together.  I had no idea there was anything left to store after our attempt to conceive 2 years prior.  We wanted to expand our family - together.  It was our desire to bring another child into our fold and while we thought it might not be possible to have a biological child after so many failed attempts and a loss, there was still hope.

I still struggle with the missing pieces and what path would be appropriate given my current situation.  Who in their right mind would even consider bringing a baby into a home with 7 children and a dead daddy. I know I have so much going for me and my world could soon be my own.  I have lived my entire life raising children and focusing on the needs of others, should I now shift and start to meet my own needs?  Could it be that my own needs ARE to meet the needs of others?  I try to imagine my life without little ones running around, wiping noses, doing piles of laundry and shuttling kids off to soccer practice and dance class - and just don't get excited.

The idea of adoption also weighs heavily as just the night before Ron died, we sent an email to an attorney inquiring about the adoption process.  We really did want one more child.  We were open to bringing a child who very much needed the love we could share.  The gift of our love for each other, our family and life in general.  Maybe I could sign up to foster children first to see if I am really ready or equipped to handle bringing another child into my home. 

This is as of June 12, 2013 an unanswered question, although I truly believe the Universe will bring forth exactly what should be - it always has.