Fatherless Day

June 16, 2013


Today is Father's Day.  For our house, it is Fatherless Day.

My oldest son has not seen nor heard from his father in about 25 years.  We think we know where he is, but he has chosen to stay away.  It astounds me that any man would choose to not see their child grow and become a part of their adult world.  My son's father was originally a nice guy.  Good looking, talented artist and very athletic.  We had a great time together and of course, made a child together.  Unfortunately, our relationship grew sour - very sour and we divorced early in my son's life.  I tried to do the right thing and assist with the bond, supporting visitation and time with his father, but it soon became evident other things were more important to his father.  Drugs being the most destructive.  With time, drugs became his companion and my son was a mere memory.

As my son grew older, he did have moments missing and wondering about this guy called "dad", but he had a strong mom who moved the mountains and the earth and he did not need a dad.  That's what he would tell me anyway.  He would give me a Father's Day card now and then to make the point that I was enough.  I was all he needed.

I did marry again, unfortunately to divorce again 10 years later.  Another man in and out of my son's life.  Sadly, that man abandoned my son and left him fatherless once again.  A few years later, I met my true love, my soulmate, partner and best friend.  My husband Ron.  He stepped in and stepped up in a way I could never have imagined.  He wasn't always easy, but my kids all knew who he was and where he stood.  He loved them all fiercely and soon, my oldest son softened and while he would never call him "dad", he was in every other way - the only REAL father he had experienced.  Ron taught Chris about tools, told dirty and inappropriate jokes, taught him how to drive, shave and how to treat a woman with love, kindness and respect.  He would chastise, warn and reprimand when necessary and worry, fret and get angry when they didn't see eye to eye.

On that terrible day, just a year ago, my son once again lost another father.  This time to the unchangeable.  Death.  He is thankfully a grown man now, nearly 30 but it was still a painful loss.  I want to erase time and give him the consistency of a father who never leaves, but that is not possible.

Now, my youngest daughter must live her life similar to her brother - she will be fatherless as well. It makes days like today particularly painful because I can't change the fact - there is no more daddy to make cards for.  When all the kids at school excitedly put together the projects to present to daddy on the Sunday morning - she will be left out or given another project to do.  Always reminders will surround her - she doesn't have a daddy.

Today, the Universe provided for both of them as they came together, the 29 yr old man and the 7 year old girl - both 'celebrating' Fatherless Day by being together, playing silly games and pretending it was just another day.  Just another Sunday.  I can only hope their bond continues and they can find solace knowing this man called Daddy, dad or just Ron loved them both so much and would be very pleased to see them supporting each other through love and a smile and true understanding.