Boundaries

originally begun on Oct 23, 2013, completed on Nov 17, 2013

Boundaries

A line in the sand?

As I move into the 15th month as a widow, I am learning more about setting better boundaries for my day to day life.  I have learned how to say no when I feel overburdened and to keep myself from feeling too overwhelmed with over scheduling my days.  It's vital that I focus on the important things in life such as time with my daughter, keeping order and cleanliness in my home and spending quality time with my friends and family.  Heading up every committee or group just isn't a priority for me right now.  I'm enjoying these days since school is back in session moving quietly from one task to another with little urgency at all.  This past week, I even had a leisurely lunch with a dear friend and another lunch with the girls! Oh the joy!

I have learned to set boundaries on my grief as well.  I would love to allow my sadness to be every part of my waking moments because, in a sick twisted way, pain and anguish connect me to Ron and his life here on earth.  When I miss him and ache for him, I am in a weird way "with" him.  I can't allow that to control my days and nights, grief must make an appointment.  I give that part of my heart time, but just not as much time as when it was fresh and new.   I allow grief to well up, just not overflow.  I take a deep breath in and let it out and then I take the next step.  It's part of this stage I suppose, I need to keep moving forward.

Loss also creates single parents.  It is not what I bargained for, not what I expected.  I loved parenting with Ron and we were good at it.  We were a team.  With becoming a single parent, certain challenges begin to present themselves.  Setting boundaries can become key to surviving this transition, however, as a newly single parent, setting boundaries can be more difficult to initiate.  Often, I feel tired and depleted and the ability to set a firm line in the concrete is difficult.  Not just with my little one at home, but also with the older kids as well!  I remember being a single mom (even when I was married before, I truly was parenting alone most of the time) and having 4 kids who all wanted my attention and each had their own agenda.  I allowed myself to answer without thinking saying "no" without really looking at the situation.  I was TIRED, I didn't want to think, evaluate or decide.  Then, a little later, I would think about it and end up changing my mind.  That was such mistake as kids do catch on to a parent's indecisiveness.  They learned how to manipulate and shift decisions in their favor, just by how and when they made their request.  I thankfully learned and began to change how I communicated with my children over decisions and requests.

What I learned during my first go round parenting experience, I have applied to my youngest daughter.  I know now to set boundaries about when I will provide answers.  If I am on the phone and she asks for something - the answer is immediately NO.  If I am talking to another adult and she makes a request - again NO.  She is learning to wait, be patient and prioritize her wants and needs before running them past me.

Setting boundaries then and now.  I wonder if the way I go about setting boundaries today is based on my experience with kids or experience with life? I think maybe a nice combination of both, and I am grateful for the knowledge.