Running
from Grief. Like Tom Hanks as the Forest Gump character, after the
love of his life walked out of his life yet again, "just started
running". I look back at the last 4 1/2 months and realize, I too have
been running from my own grief. I have kept myself so busy that I do not
get to explore or examine the subtle reminders that I no longer have
the love of my life to lean on, talk to or plan out our lives with. I
avoid the sadness by laughing and joking about things most would not
think funny. My running is not from Ron, it is from the pain, sorrow and anguish that grief creates.
Why
is it after a year and half, just when I thought things were getting
easier to cope with, did I start to run? I believe there comes a point
on this grief journey when you just decide you don't want to be sad
anymore. You can't erase the pain, so the next best thing is to always
remain a few steps ahead of it and if it gets close, just run a little
faster, add a few more activities to the day and numb out. I immersed
myself in my business, working at the hospital, being a Girl Scout
leader and all of my daughter's activities. I also stopped writing this
blog (did you even notice?) and taking a look at my own grief because
when I write, I must admit that I am grieving.
I
also noticed I was venturing into that scary, unknown world of "online
dating". Along with my other widow friends, we each put up a profile to
see what the dating world might look like. I was convinced that I could
take that step into bringing another into my life to fill the holes of
pain, sadness and loneliness and all I could think of is if I fill it - the pain will cease.
I was so wrong. The reality is as I come up for air for the first time
in months, I am not ready to bring anyone into my heart let alone my
life. I am still so wounded, so raw and not anywhere near balanced. I
have a lot of work to do to get myself to a place where I am able to
welcome another. I remember how complete, balanced and whole I was when I
met Ron. I was ready and open and that is why he came into my life.
We were ready for each other. I want to be like that before I find
someone to walk the next part of my own life's journey.
I
still cry when I think of Ron. I still miss him in the most gut
wrenching way. I think about him 100 times a day. He is everywhere
around me, in every bird's song, in the whisper of the wind and the
brightness of the sunlight. He is in my daughter's laughter and smile
and the tear when she is sad.
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